This Monday I defended my LLB thesis, which marks the end of my deliverables for this Bachelor. I call these 4 years my transformation. From the shy inexperienced girl that arrived in the Hague 4 years ago I turned into a more mature, stable, confident and capable version of myself. Personal growth is something precious and I am simply amazed by and grateful for the path that I have walked to reach this point. And here I am, with a profession, a future legal professional, who is not afraid anymore. (Although I am yet to officially receive my diploma.)
When, if not now, would be the perfect time for a trip down memory lane?! (See picture of me from my first days by myself in the Hague in 2017) Upon starting this study I wasn’t much keen on becoming a jurist or anything to do with law. I was just a dreamer who lived in her fantasies. I was fond of my writings, my characters and the imaginary world. But then the world we live in is not what was in my head. I needed a stable profession which would support me through hard times and which would also pose an intellectual challenge for me so that it doesn’t get boring. Thus, led by reason and quite fearful whether I will be capable, whether law is suitable for me, whether I will figure out the right path, I left my home country to get my higher education (and to grow up) in the Netherlands.
First steps are always rough – new surroundings, new people, new language and culture, and on top of that pages and pages of legal stuff. Law was nothing like what my mind was used to. It does require a lot of reading and writing, things I am good at, but not the casual reading and writing. Law requires method and precision. My first attempts at legal analysis were quite funny and all the practical skills of legal communication, advising and representation seemed a nightmare to me. Yet, I wouldn’t have forgiven myself if I just gave up and went home empty-handed. I had to make it through and I knew I have it in me to do it.
So then I made it. I was often lonely, felt misunderstood and out of place both with people from my own nationality and others. I couldn’t really cook so the first week when I arrived my meals involved mostly sandwiches with ham and cheese and croissants, what you call a cold supper. I missed my family and my home. I was afraid that the more I become a legal person the less creative I will be and that one day I will completely give up on my writings which I thought defined me as a person. I had to invent all kind of creative ways to get myself into the role of the legal professional. Before presentations in the first years I talked to walls days on end.
Throughout this and without realizing it, I was slowly changing. I figured I could bake and cook decently (I dare say my spaghetti are awesome). I figured presentations and skills may not bother me so much and give me a heart attack every time. I figured I could overcome my reservations towards people and how they see me and find a friend (my boyfriend). I figured I could analyze and write like a legal professional.
Yes, I am different now. Yes, I did give up on my previous naive persona and I cannot go back to who I was or to writing and dreaming in the same way. But I also don’t want to cause I have a peace of mind now and I am a much better combination of qualities. Plus, I can write a great deal better now and utilize it in many different forms of writing. Duh, I even have this blog now… So all I can say to those who are still to face or currently facing something new is: don’t be afraid to be afraid. The best of things are waiting beyond the horizon if we dare to go there.
I suppose I could end my moving speeches here. I hope you’re all having a good time and are satisfied with yourselves wherever and whoever you are.
All the best,
D. D.
The Sunlight Writer 